It's not you, it's the system

Plus, my best tip for finding childcare

People sometimes assume that because of what I study, it must be easy for my partner and I to divide domestic work equally. Not so! Yes, I think we do a pretty darn good job of it, but getting—and staying!—there is far from easy. This month for paid subscribers, I’m sharing one strategy we’ve found particularly helpful for defusing the conflict that crops up when we’re dealing with some sort of transition moment (like, say, adding a child to the mix): blame the system.

Then, I’ll share the strategy that resulted in a surprisingly positive childcare search experience. (Still much more labor-intensive and stressful than it would be if we had a less broken childcare system in this country, but I digress…)

it’s you and me against the big wide world, baby

First, some scope conditions. This technique doesn’t work if you have a bad actor problem. If one of you isn’t acting in good faith to try to achieve your joint vision for sharing the load, then what I’m about to offer is likely to become just one more excuse.

But what if you’re pretty sure both of you are on the same page, and yet you still find things skewing along gendered lines in ways you don’t like? Try saying – to yourself and/or your partner – something like, “The system is rigged.”