How do you figure out what the barrier is? A common pattern I see and have experienced is, "Male partner talks a good game about equality but is not doing anywhere near 50%, and is very angry/defensive/pouty when female partner points out that things are not equal. And nothing changes." I think this is probably Values Mismatch (why should he change if he can get away with doing less?) but wonder what the research says.
yes, that sounds about right to me! Arlie Hochschild in her book The Second Shift talks about surface ideology vs. deep ideology (she may use different terms, but that's the idea). In the case of your hypothetical male partner, it would sound like he is superficially on board with equality, but at some deeper level doesn't hold that as a value to the same extent she does. Another possibility, though, is that he's on board but genuinely feels like he can't do more (b/c of work or some other circumstance) or because none of the men in his peer group do X (sexist society stuff).
the is a helpful framing! I just filled out the survey and didn't identify "Values Mismatch" as an issue, because I know my partner deeply believes in gender equality at home, but reading this I think it's actually a huge one. I'm in a two-lawyer HH and have lots of two-lawyer HH friends. We all have workaholic, Type A tendencies. I think a big Values Mismatch for us is that a) both partners are deeply (deeply!) on board with equality but b) the male partner continues to hold a deep value that work must be prioritized *almost all* of the time, while the female partner (who used to hold the same value) has changed her value about work to be "work must be prioritized *most* of time and there are lots of caveats" -- I'm talking post-birth, thanks to sexist society and pregnancy/postpartum biology reprogramming us. (The book Mom Genes made me realize how long my brain/body had been preparing me to reprioritize everything around baby survival and how a nonbirth partner would take longer to catch up, which doesn't help my daily frustration but does temper my rage at my partner.) And I think this causes a lot of confused frustration because the female partner is like, I thought I knew in my BONES that you cared deeply about equality, so why does it feel like our values aren't matched now?? But the Values Mismatch is actually about work, not equality.
Ooh, this is a tough one, Anna - though definitely common! I'm planning a future newsletter on some of the challenges of dual-career couples, so stay tuned...
Great read! Those are the things I talked about with my clients on regular bases.
How do you figure out what the barrier is? A common pattern I see and have experienced is, "Male partner talks a good game about equality but is not doing anywhere near 50%, and is very angry/defensive/pouty when female partner points out that things are not equal. And nothing changes." I think this is probably Values Mismatch (why should he change if he can get away with doing less?) but wonder what the research says.
yes, that sounds about right to me! Arlie Hochschild in her book The Second Shift talks about surface ideology vs. deep ideology (she may use different terms, but that's the idea). In the case of your hypothetical male partner, it would sound like he is superficially on board with equality, but at some deeper level doesn't hold that as a value to the same extent she does. Another possibility, though, is that he's on board but genuinely feels like he can't do more (b/c of work or some other circumstance) or because none of the men in his peer group do X (sexist society stuff).
the is a helpful framing! I just filled out the survey and didn't identify "Values Mismatch" as an issue, because I know my partner deeply believes in gender equality at home, but reading this I think it's actually a huge one. I'm in a two-lawyer HH and have lots of two-lawyer HH friends. We all have workaholic, Type A tendencies. I think a big Values Mismatch for us is that a) both partners are deeply (deeply!) on board with equality but b) the male partner continues to hold a deep value that work must be prioritized *almost all* of the time, while the female partner (who used to hold the same value) has changed her value about work to be "work must be prioritized *most* of time and there are lots of caveats" -- I'm talking post-birth, thanks to sexist society and pregnancy/postpartum biology reprogramming us. (The book Mom Genes made me realize how long my brain/body had been preparing me to reprioritize everything around baby survival and how a nonbirth partner would take longer to catch up, which doesn't help my daily frustration but does temper my rage at my partner.) And I think this causes a lot of confused frustration because the female partner is like, I thought I knew in my BONES that you cared deeply about equality, so why does it feel like our values aren't matched now?? But the Values Mismatch is actually about work, not equality.
Ooh, this is a tough one, Anna - though definitely common! I'm planning a future newsletter on some of the challenges of dual-career couples, so stay tuned...