Do you need a new calendar or a new partner?

Logistics issues can mask deeper problems

When life feels stressful or overwhelming, logistics management is my go-to strategy. If I could just get everything out of my brain and onto a to-do list, I’d be so much calmer. If only I could design a better system for meal planning/travel arranging/research project managing[/insert other life admin task here], I’d be so much more effective.

every year I’m convinced my new planner will save me

Alas, I am rarely correct. Not even the most comprehensive to-do list can save me from overcommitment. No project management app can counter the information overload of our digital age, nor spare me the angst of navigating an uncertain (heh, understatement) economy.

That’s because too often, what I assume is a logistical problem belongs to an entirely different class of problems. And attempting to solve a relational or structural or existential problem with logistical tools not only fails to resolve the issue; often, it makes it worse.

This is my long-winded way of saying: If it’s your marriage that needs saving, a $700 calendar isn’t going to do the trick.

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To my great surprise, one of my “beats” has become opining on the relationship between new technologies and household labor. Journalists frequently solicit my take on “how X app will impact gender equity”. For the latest iteration, NYT reporter Eliza Shapiro called to ask about the fancy (and expensive) calendar displays, like Skylight and Hearth, that have taken off among the professional upper-middle-class: did I think tools like these could help couples divide mental labor more equitably?

My short answer, summarized by Shapiro in the resulting article is, ‘Sorry, probably not.’

My longer answer is a bit more complicated. These calendars are one instantiation of “FamTech”: a suite of digital tools, many of which aim to reduce the mental (over)load involved in managing contemporary life. The meal planning, the schedule coordination, the summer camp sign-up, the childcare (re)arranging. Of course, in different-gender partnerships, most of that load falls on women. It’s a lot, it’s exhausting, and many entrepreneurs are convinced it doesn’t need to be this hard.

But there’s more than one way to reduce our prototypical mom’s stress. Imagine the mental load was an actual, physical weight she carried on her back. One way to lighten her load is to transfer some of that weight to others in her household. If mom is overwhelmed, perhaps dad needs to do more.

As I told Shapiro, I’m skeptical that tools like Skylight and Hearth will catalyze this kind of redistribution. And it seems like her reporting among calendar users bears this out: often, whoever managed the family’s pre-Hearth calendar continues to do so, albeit with a new system.

That doesn’t mean the fancy calendars are necessarily a waste. An alternative path to reducing mom’s overwhelm is to give her better tools for managing household affairs, tools that make her cognitive work less time-consuming or stressful or cumbersome. Instead of transferring some of mom’s pounds onto dad’s back, we erase that weight from the household ledger altogether. No one has to carry it, because the new tool has rendered it obsolete.

I do think well-designed tools can reduce women’s mental load. It’s just that I don’t think they typically do so by equalizing men’s and women’s load.

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If you find yourself in the lucky position of being able to afford a $700 calendar, should you buy one? Maybe. First, though, ask yourself if you really have a logistical problem on your hands. If you’re fighting with your spouse about schedules, it might well be that you need a better system for coordinating calendars. It’s equally likely that your problem is only superficially logistical.

That’s because relationship problems can masquerade as logistical problems. No calendar feature is going to cure your partner of patriarchal thinking. A new app isn’t going to convince your spouse that household management should be a shared responsibility. At best, the fancy new calendar display will serve as a band aid, keeping you together through the busiest season of parenting. At worst, it’ll prevent you from confronting—and ideally working through—fundamental issues in your marriage. Perhaps that $700 would be better spent on couples therapy, or even a good divorce lawyer.

Then again, maybe there’s nothing wrong with your marriage, and everything wrong with the society you’re married within. Apparently logistical problems can also mask structural problems, like a lack of affordable quality childcare. Do you need a better way to organize summer camp sign-ups, or do you need a public-school calendar that aligns with common work schedules?

Logistical issues can mask cultural problems. Do you need more visibility into your kids’ extracurricular schedules, or do you need to question the tenets of intensive parenting?

And they can mask existential problems. Do you need a better calendar, or do you need to accept the fact that your ambitions will always outstrip your capacity?

When we’re fixated on optimizing our personal life management systems, we’re rarely challenging inequality or championing much-needed policy change. We’re not questioning the value systems and assumptions that have been handed down to us. We’re not reconciling ourselves to the painful limits of the human condition.

So go ahead, buy that fancy calendar if you’ve been eyeing it. I’m tempted to! Just don’t expect it to fix your marriage, and don’t let it distract you from much harder—and much more important—work.