The mental load of pregnancy

Or, why am I exhausted?

More and more these days, I find myself tired. Well, Allison, I hear you saying, you’re 33 weeks pregnant…of course you’re tired! And indeed, the physical exhaustion is real and not unexpected – that whole gestating-new-life thing is hard work on a cellular level.

But it’s the emotional and mental exhaustion that’s caught me a bit off-guard lately. Why (other than hormones) do I routinely feel overwhelmed and paranoid that I’m already a bad mom?

[Photo credit: Isabella Fischer for Unsplash]

Further reflection, in less emotionally charged moments, brought me to a forehead-slapping ‘Duh!’: pregnancy involves a really frickin’ heavy mental load.¹ You’d think I might have anticipated this, being an expert on the mental load of motherhood and all. Oops!

While I like to think I’m as prepared as one can be for the mental load of motherhood, it turns out pre-mothers (i.e., pregnant women) also have to navigate all sorts of logistical challenges, most of which are overlaid with highly-charged emotional dynamics that tap into the core of one’s identity as a person and a parent. In short, the mental load of motherhood begins well before the baby exits your uterus!

Even well-meaning advice can exacerbate the load. Let me explain:

‘You should be resting,’ they tell me. ‘Listen to your body and take things slow.’

Well, no, nothing will be taken off your plate until you actually go into labor. In fact, lots of things will be added to your plate during pregnancy. You’ll visit the doctor more often than you ever have in your life. You’ll field calls from extended relatives asking whether you’ve figured out the baby’s name yet and oh by the way do you prefer the yellow or the green onesie? You should probably be stocking your freezer with soup, because it definitely wasn’t hard enough to make one dinner per day. And those home repair projects you’ve been meaning to get to – they’re not happening once baby is here, so better check those off the list now! While you’re at it, please project all of your professional commitments six months into the future and get ahead on them now, lest you come back from maternity leave to find your career in tatters. But really, you should be resting! Have you tried meditation?

‘Your pregnant body is beautiful,’ they tell me. ‘Embrace its unique ability to create new life.’

Well, yes, patriarchal beauty standards are still a thing. You really don’t want “mummy tummy,” do you? Good news! You can prevent it. All you have to do is stop using your shallow abs—but please do use your deep abs, those are critical. Yes, this requires you to learn and remember new ways of sitting down, lying down, standing up, and rolling over, but you’ll get the hang of it. Oh, and do more kegels! Unless your pelvic floor is too tight? Then please, no more kegels, that could be catastrophic. How will you know whether your pelvic floor needs strengthening or relaxing? A pelvic floor physical therapist, of course! Alas, they’re all booked up for the next two months, so maybe look it up on Instagram – but try not to get sucked down the rabbit hole of women who ran marathons six months pregnant or six days postpartum. (By the way, are you getting enough exercise? Not too much, though, that would be bad.) Really, though, you’re beautiful just the way you are!

‘You don’t have to be a martyr,’ they tell me. ‘It’s important to take care of your own needs, not just the baby’s.’

But, um, about that antidepressant. Do you, like, need it, need it? Or are you maybe just a little sad this week? No no no, it’s totally fine to take in pregnancy. Lots of women do it. It’s just that there are some itty bitty potential side effects for the baby. Here, read these ten meta-analyses. Super low-risk, though, is the bottom line. If you think you need it – which is totally subjective and maybe says something about your mental fortitude and commitment to this whole mothering thing – then you should definitely take it. Really, you still matter!

‘Many of the physical symptoms of pregnancy can be relieved with careful management,’ they tell me. ‘You shouldn’t suffer in silence.’

Heartburn, you say? Tons of options! Just eat smaller meals, stop eating several hours before bed, and yeah, better to avoid eating before doing exercise. I know you’re constantly hungry, but surely you can fit food in somewhere in between those activities. Nutrition is extra important during pregnancy, you know – for you and baby! Are you getting enough calcium? Not to scare you, but if you aren’t getting enough the fetus will literally leech it out of your bones. Take some Tums and kill two birds with one stone: they’re chock-full of calcium! Well, yes, calcium supplementation is associated with kidney stones, which definitely run in your family. So maybe choose between heartburn and disintegrating bones? Really, though, you’ll probably be just fine.

‘Lean on other mothers,’ they tell me. ‘You aren’t alone – ask for help!’

Yes, I suppose it is true that every single mother you talk to will give you different advice, which you will then need to sort through in order to figure out whose advice is likely to be most helpful for you. But you don’t want to offend anyone by not taking the advice they so thoughtfully gave you, so keep track to make sure you’ve taken at least a little of everyone’s advice and can remember to text them later and thank them for it. Okay, yes, sometimes this backfires when they introduce new worries you hadn’t even contemplated and which frankly seem kind of unlikely given your situation. But really, isn’t community nice?²

‘Don’t plan too much,’ they tell me. ‘Every birth is different, and every baby is different!’

But yes, your OB will ask about your “birth preferences” way before you’ve figured them out, and if you want to prevent a traumatic birth you should probably be very clear and specific. And in order to figure out those birth preferences – we no longer call them plans! - you should definitely read at least five books, several of which will offer totally conflicting but allegedly evidence-based guidance, so you’ll need to take a look at the underlying research, which will probably just dead-end in a list of pros and cons with no clear answer. And yes, traditionally baby showers – and baby registries – happen well before babies are born, so maybe make an educated guess about which swaddle your little peanut will prefer? But overconsumption is bad, so just get what you absolutely need! Otherwise you will personally be responsible for the deaths of seven turtles. But really, don’t try to control the uncontrollable!

‘Most important of all,’ they tell me, ‘is that you not get too stressed. Stress is *really bad* for babies (and could maybe give you preeclampsia?), so if you want your kid to have the best chance in life, please chill out.’

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1. Part of the load comes from my own neuroses, to be sure; part is specific to the sort of upper-middle-class, optimize-everything cultural waters in which I swim. I suspect, though, that while the load might look different in different times and for different people, it’s heavy for most pregnant folks.

2. If you are one of the mothers who has generously offered me advice, please know that when I am not feeling overwhelmed, I am very grateful, snarky Substack posts aside!